by Shelley Civkin Richmond Public Library

How to stop a runaway camel, and other tips

Only once in a lifetime will you probably ever be called upon to stop a runaway camel, jump from rooftop to rooftop or cross a piranha-infested river, but if it happens, I bet dollars-to-donuts you'll want to be prepared. So if you happen to:

a) be a possible contestant for Survivor III

b) want to win the Boy-Scout-of-the-year-award

c) be the penultimate thrill-seeker

then you'll definitely want to read The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook : Travel by Joshua Piven and David Borgenicht.

This hilarious, practical, diagram-laden survival book comes with a caveat right off the bat. The authors open with: "DO NOT ATTEMPT TO UNDERTAKE ANY OF THE ACTIVITIES DESCRIBED IN THIS BOOK YOURSELF". They advise consulting with a professionally trained expert first, but if I found myself face to face with a tarantula, chances are I wouldn't be anywhere near a trained professional. And besides, is there even a listing in the Yellow Pages for "Tarantula Expert"?

So, what kinds of things might you expect to learn from this handy-dandy little reference guide? Well, one of my favorites includes "How to Control a Runaway Camel". Did you know that if you pull on a camel's reins (assuming he's got some), you might break his nose? Good to know. "How to Survive a Hostage Situation" is kind of handy, too, particularly if you live in a country at war. I'm also fond of the section on"How to Pass a Bribe".

My favorite section though, is "How to Jump from Rooftop to Rooftop". I learned that if there's more than a one-story differential in the buildings, you risk breaking your ankles or legs and if there are two stories or more, you may as well forget about ever walking again. I also found out that a person would need 40-60 feet of running room to gather enough speed to clear about 10 feet. And if you only understand the metric system, forget it, you're out of luck altogether.

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While the myriad situations are absolutely fall-down funny in their absurdity, this book does have a few gems that the average Joe, or Josephine, could use in the course of their mundane lifetime. An added bonus is a section at the back of the book, called "Foreign Emergency Phrases". The authors have translated several helpful English phrases into Spanish, French, German and Japanese. However, the chances are slim that if you've been seriously wounded, you're really going to say "I am bleeding profusely" in Spanish, or "May I use your belt as a tourniquet" in Japanese.

For those of you who are polite, wounded and find yourself in Germany, there's always the handy phrase: "darf ich ein Tuch borgen, um das Blut abzuwischen?", which translates to: "May I borrow a towel to wipe up the blood?" And just in case you're captured by terrorists or kidnappers in a Spanish speaking country, you might want to practice the phrase: "Usted nunca me hara hablar", meaning "You will never make me talk".

And last but not least, in the "Gestures to avoid" section, is the tricky "okay" sign (thumb and forefinger making a circle and other fingers fanned out). In France, it's an insult and can also indicate a state of drunkenness when placed over the nose; in Japan, it indicates that you want change; and in Brazil, Germany and Russia it indicates a very personal orifice and is an insult. All I can say is, good thing my fingers live in Canada.

Shelley J. Civkin is the head of the Readers' Advisory Department at the Richmond Public Library.