Shelley's Book Reviews

The Civility Solution

23-Nov-2009

If there's anybody in the crowd who's never been on the receiving end of rudeness, please raise your hand. I didn't think so. Everyone has at one time or another born the brunt of rudeness, whether it's from a family member, a co-worker, a sales clerk, wait staff or someone else. Well, award-winning professor P.M. Forni has lots of advice to give about rudeness in his book The Civility Solution: What to Do When People are Rude.

The book is arranged in small chapters that present very specific situations and solutions, and covers rudeness in all its many forms. At first, his compact scenarios and easy fixes seemed slightly simplistic to me, but when I got further into the book the advice became more substantive. Forni's ideas and advice are predicated on his "Eight Rules for a Civil Life" which are:

1. Slow down and be present in your life.
2. Listen to the voice of empathy.
3. Keep a positive attitude.
4. Respect others and grant them plenty of validation.
5. Disagree graciously and refrain from arguing.
6. Get to know the people around you.
7. Pay attention to the small things.
8. Ask, don't tell.

In essence, he explains that when we're confronted with rudeness and bad behavior, the best course of action is to be assertive, calm and civil. In one particularly interesting chapter called "Accepting Real-life Rudeness, he talks about the "Principle of equally acceptable outcomes." He writes: "The ability to believe that something good can follow even from something unwanted will help you reduce your anxiety and accept any outcome more serenely." He relates this to rudeness by suggesting that we react to it as neutrally as we can, in essence, accepting it. But accepting it doesn't mean we approve of the rudeness, we just accept the reality of the situation, while at the same time, deciding how we want to respond to it. Sometimes, he says, the best option is simply to ignore the rudeness; other times, we should confront the rude person directly.

In responding to an act of rudeness, the author suggests three essential actions: state the facts; inform the other person of the impact that he or she had on you; and request that the hurtful behavior not be repeated. Sounds easy enough, but as the author points out, you will often get resistance, so he poses alternative responses, while at the same time stressing the fact that we don't need to make other people's problems our own.

Covering dozens of specific examples of rudeness and how to handle them, the author offers up mostly solid advice. His bottom line is this: don't personalize rude behavior because it's usually not about you, it's just directed at you. You'll get farther by responding calmly and respectfully than by behaving in a way that will only escalate the rude behavior. I found lots of great examples that I can relate to my own life, and I'm sure you will, too.

For other popular reading suggestions check out Richmond Public Library's Web site.